The Anzacs began season 2006 full of hope. This was good. We believed they could get the season off to a good start by defeating a strong RCC team. This too was largely good. We weren't even concerned that Dave Kumar was umpiring this game. This was stupid. Building off the tremendous momentum generated last year, a confident Anzacs took the field on Saturday morning, only to be thwarted by the all round strength of RCC and more importantly, a very determined Dave Kumar.

The decision to bat first or bowl first on a new pitch is often a very tricky one, and factors like the condition of the pitch, the state of the outfield, flight pattern of ducks etc have to be considered before taking this all important decision. Skipper Ketan (Lats) concluded that in situations like these, it is best to lose the toss and watch happily as the opposing captain curses his luck and wishes everyone would take a flying duck, or something that sounds rather like that. Anyway, we were asked to field first.

Deciding that the best way to confuse the batsmen was to open with a spin bowler, Lats threw the ball to Sunil (Zero). Clearly misunderstanding the instruction, Zero ended up confusing the Anzacs by deciding to bowl medium pace. At the other end, Nagraj (Rattles) was making his debut for the Anzacs, and the fielders were looking forward to a serious test of their skills. RCC opened with Satbir and Sameer, with Samay waiting in the wings to come in first drop. Zero and Rattles combined to bowl rather well though, keeping the batsmen largely in check. Or at least whenever Satbir wasn't on strike.

Now whenever the Anzacs are faced with a situation when one of the batsmen in a partnership isn't firing, and a prolific striker is waiting in the pavilion, we believe in getting the struggling batsmen out and then wishing we hadn't. History was set to repeat itself when Rattles contrived to get Sameer out by getting him to mis hit to Lal (Blue), who was also making his debut for the Anzacs and thereby not realizing that his primary role as a fielder was to drop anything that came his way. However, when Rattles got Samay to edge one through to the keeper, we were:

a) Surprised

b) Pleased

c) Pleasantly surprised

But wait, Dave Kumar was shaking his head, and initial hope that he was merely correcting a crick in his neck was quickly replaced by despair when he gave Samay not out. He patted Rattles on the back and told him that he had just bowled a brilliant leg cutter. This came as a bit of a surprise to Rattles who hadn't realized till that point that he was capable of bowling leg cutters, and this was clearly not a good thing for him to realize. His subsequent efforts to bowl leg cuts resulted in several square cuts, and he was cut from the bowling attack.

Nagendra (Cobra) who holds the world record for the most number of vowels in a name came in first change in a move that paid immediate dividends. In the third ball of his first over, Cobra delivered the ball, turned sideways, became invisible, and accounted for Satbir, who thought that he was chipping the ball into the vacant bowler's area. In the same over, he accounted for Carl, who was making his debut for RCC, and played much like an Anzac debutant would. Any nonsense like bowling RCC out cheaply was quickly forgotten though, as Andy and Samay took to the bowling in a stand that yielded 72 runs in 9 overs. At the drinks break RCC were 103/3, and we were already planning the evening cook out.

Realizing that the batsmen were getting used to the slower bowlers, Lats decided to bring back the medium pacers. Maddeningly enough, Zero decided to bowl off-spin this time, and Lats was beginning to gibber. Thankfully, both batsmen had had enough of Zero's mind games as well, and fell to him in quick succession. Andy holed out to Anirudh (Tack) in the deep, while Samay played all over a full ball, to be bowled for 51. He waited briefly, hoping that it would be called a leg cutter, and then decided to sportingly walk without waiting for the umpire's decision. Dave appeared to have fixed the crick in his neck, and we breathed a sigh of relief.

RCC's run rate was slowing down, so the Anzacs gifted them a few short balls, and only stopped when the run rate was above 7 an over again. The generosity appeared to have reached its zenith when Shaluka (Shadow) was brought into the bowling attack. Now in the past whenever Shadow was brought into the bowling attack, the batsmen tend to find time smoke a few cigarettes, drink several cups of tea, and maybe watch a really short movie before they return to the batting crease to find that the regular quota of wides have finally been bowled and done with. They were in for an unpleasant surprise this time, when the first 2 balls had been bowled on target. Displaying a punter's instinct that should surely serve him well in the casinos, Vinay gambled that the next ball would surely be off line, and swung hard at one that was way down leg side. If he had opened his eyes, he would have realized that this too was inexplicably on target, and not only that, he had been bowled, and not only that, several members of the Anzacs became instantly broke after having bet their entire fortune on relatively attractive 100:1 (bet a hundred dollars, and win one dollar) odds that that the first three balls of Shadow's over would be wides.

Apparently, possible fatherhood has had a welcome effect on Shadow. (Author's note: The possibility here applies not the fact that a baby will be born to his wife, but to the fact that he is possibly the father.). There is another theory that Shadow hasn't been getting any of late and this is the reason for his success, but that is clearly ridiculous. Fact is that he has never been getting any, and this in turn raises further serious questions as to the veracity of his claims of entering fatherhood. Very good odds are being offered to the contrary, and the Anzacs would surely have placed handsome bets had they not stupidly lost all their money on a previous bet that appeared to be the surer shot.

Shadow was to go on to pick up another wicket in his next over, and the Anzacs had the opportunity to bowl RCC out for a reasonable score. Unfortunately, Keyur got stuck into the bowling, and engineered several useful partnerships with the tail enders, until Rattles came up with another unintentional leg cutter. But this time the umpire wasn't Dave and this was ruled an edge, and a befuddled Rattles was left wondering as to whether he was capable of bowling leg cutters or not. A strong therapy session is recommended, as is the case with any encounter with Dave. Keyur ended up scoring 50 runs, and though Tack picked up late wickets to bowl RCC out in the 30^th over, the damage had been done, and the Anzacs were left to chase an imposing 204 to win.

Imposing totals require imposing batsmen, and no one is more imposing that Kam (Tiny), who ended up in second place in the race for the world record for most number of vowels in a name. Shekhar (Pepper) a name and nick name combo that makes more sense if read the other way around partnered Tiny, and got the Anzacs off to a brisk start. They added 28 runs in quick time, and a fifty partnership was on the cards. However, Pepper threw his wicket away, and the disaster was averted. Shadow joined Tiny in the middle, and made his intentions clear by hammering a boundary first up. It only got better from there; the only false stroke he played was a top-edged pull that went for six. Sarcastic observations to the effect that he should have played more false strokes would have been valid if not for the fact that he was scoring freely off the middle of the bat as well. Then against the run of play (in which there was very little running), Tiny got himself out for 21, and after a guest appearance by Simon (Agro), Cobra walked out to the middle. At this point, it is prudent to deviate from the match report a little, and explore some definitions.

 

MCC's definition of wickets: Wickets are three sticks of equal size measuring around 90 centimeters tall with 5 centimeters separating them. Bails (small pieces of wood) are balanced on top of the stumps.

 

Dave Kumar's definition of wickets: It is a picket fence that behaves as unpredictably as the universe. The important thing to note about wickets is that it isn't about where they are, but rather where they should have been in order to give a batsman out LBW, and it is up to the umpire to position them as he sees fit, especially when the bowler is a West Indian.

 

The Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy's definition of wickets: It is the universal symbol of peace.

 

Parth's definition of wickets: A set of three weapons that should be used to impale umpires who subscribe to Dave Kumar's definition of wickets.

 

The Anzacs are in agreement with Parth that he has a point that shouldn't be lightly regarded, and peace is for idiots who believe that the universe is not just a figment of it's own imagination. (Author honestly admits, and thereby avoids lawsuits: Blatantly plagiarized from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy).

 

Anyway, Cobra was given out LBW to Andy, who appeared even more surprised than the batsman itself. Still, Shadow was going great guns, and we remained confident that he would get us home. Unfortunately, Dave's definition of wickets was referenced and used liberally yet again, and Shadow's valiant knock ended on 41. Despite being up against it, we never gave up hope, but the asking rate was too high. Zero made a quick fire 16 to keep us in the game, but his dismissal put us firmly on the back foot. Lats and Sudeep (Hal) swung merrily like a couple of individuals with questionable morals, but analogies to a rusty gate would be incorrect only in that the rusty gate would have connected more often. By the time Hal got out to the penultimate ball of the innings, 30 runs were required off the last ball, and Tack couldn't rise to the occasion and bring us home.

All in all, a disappointing finish, but nevertheless one with a lot of promise. A little luck our way, and we would have been the victors. A lot of positives emerged from the game, and we're proving that we are clearly a team on the ascendancy, and one that will compete seriously for the championship this season. We also showed that we haven't lost the ability to party, with the team cook out lasting well into the following morning. Pepper spent a lot of time trying to get everyone to take it easy. When this wasn't having the desired effect, he decided to take it easy himself, and went to sleep. A lot of different solutions to all of the world's problems were arrived at, none of which, strangely enough, involved killing Hal. There was only one thing we all agreed on, we need to put some prawns on the barbie......mate....g'day!